THE PERVASIVE PATTERN OF THE PURSUED VS THE PURSUER IN RELATIONSHIPS

THE PERVASIVE PATTERN OF PURSUED VS PURSUER IN RELATIONSHIPS

Mental health gurus, therapists, and people in spiritual counseling will jokingly say that every couple consists of a pursuer and a pursued. John Gottman uses the terms Pursuer and Distancer. Helen Hunt and Harville Hendrix choose Turtle and Storm, and Rick Warren calls this dynamic Turtle and Skunk.

Though it can take a variety of different forms, one person essentially pushes and pursues, persists in trying to work through issues, and seeks engagement and connection. The other evades, avoids, hides, escapes, and tries to gain more distance and autonomy.

On its face, this is not a moral issue, with one of you being in the right, and the other in the wrong. It can be as simple as two different styles of relating. (Please see my article on Introversion vs Extroversion, on this page.)

When communication is at loggerheads, the relationship can stop being dynamic. There is a stuck point, which neither party can seem to navigate or change. One person may outlast the other, and get their way, but the couple will suffer for it, and the relationship can get stuck in an unhealthy pattern.

Relationships thrive when we continue to incorporate new and interesting parts of ourselves into them. If couples are willing to use some basic tools, this pattern of stuckness can change.

After the initial romantic part of a relationship has begun to wane, it is growth together which creates the richness, vitality, and interest you will need to sustain closeness and intimacy. There is far more good to be mined from your relationship, and a willingness to work together creates what will become a deep and lasting bond.

Growth does not happen without work, and I advise getting help from a counselor to get the best results. However, I include some basic information, along with some practical tips to try on your own.

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One caveat is that there are a variety of mental health issues, such as past trauma in one or both partners, which may go beyond the scope of two individuals trying to work things out on an equal playing field. Even when this is not the case, practical suggestions of all kinds may have been tried, but failed to bring about the needed change. If either or both of these are representative of your relationship dynamic, I encourage you to seek counseling. You may need to dig into the underlying issues which are negatively impacting your present day life with your partner or family.

Here is a list of many of the pursued vs pursuer topics I encounter in my practice: I will expand on some of these in subsequent posts.

Chores and repairs (most prevalent)

Slow Processing vs verbal processing vs a preference for solitary problem solving

Stonewalling vs bid for connection

Unequal sex drive

Depression and anxiety

Personal Space and autonomy

A problematic amount of alcohol consumption, or drug usage.

Jealousy

Downtime, and how it is spent