PURSUED VS PURSUER: DOWNTIME

PURSUED VS PURSUER: DOWN TIME

Whether you work from home, or out, are a stay-at-home parent, or both, everyone needs time to hit their reset button; a transition from one environment to the next.

I saw a wonderful couple whose marriage had been an unusually happy one, come to the brink of separation. It was a mystery as to why the husband was suddenly so depressed and dissatisfied. The wife was heartbroken, and her husband just seemed broken by something neither of them could understand.

The moment we figured out that he needed 15 minutes of down time after work, before the toddler ran for him, and the in-law caretakers wanted to chat and hang out, the couple stopped coming to therapy. They were good again.

At the bottom of our well, there is nothing positive. And nothing good will come out of us. Regroup for a few. Get something back in there. If one partner is taking care of the children, they will need this time even more. Get in your 15 minutes, and then release them into the wild for their 15, and hopefully more for both of you, as needed.

No matter how fraught the situation at home, and no matter how desperately the caretaker parent needs a break, we still need time to regroup after a day at work. If nothing else, sit in the driveway for 15 minutes before coming in. Those 15 minutes can make or break a relationship, without anyone ever understanding why it got so bad. The couple, the baby, the dog, and the goldfish will all benefit by your 15 additional minutes to regroup, before rejoining the fray.

I realize how hard this can be to come by, but rather than tearing your relationship apart, get practical. We are not without resources. Take turns. “You get 15 minutes, all to yourself, then I get 15 minutes, all to myself.” And of course, more, if possible, for both of you.