PURSUED VS PURSUER: COMMUNICATION STYLES

Most pursuers are well-meaning individuals who grew up in a home where people were constantly hashing things out verbally. The pursued may have come from the opposite type of family, and/or be a person who isolates to work through most of their concerns.

If your partner feels oppressed by the level of your verbal processing, the answer might be a simple one. Couples often get into the habit of only talking things out with one another. It is likely that much of this verbal processing used to happen with a friend. Unfortunately, couples frequently report that they do not have any close friendships outside of the relationship. (This can be due to a move, having a child, or inadvertently isolating when you were falling in love.) Any of these things can mean that couples suddenly find themselves without meaningful friendships. This can result in an over reliance on the partnership, which would not have come under stress if it was not so overburdened. I encourage couples to make new friends, revive old friendships, and maintain some of the mystery for one another.

SET UP A TIME TO TALK. If your partner wants to talk through something, and the timing is bad right now, put something on the calendar, and stick to it. This can have a timeframe. If the talk needs to go over that time, you can set up another time to complete the conversation. Setting the date too far in advance can be very hard on the person looking to connect. Try to make the appointment as soon as possible.

Everyone has heard that a great way to process is by journaling. If you have not done this, you will be amazed at how many answers will come just by fully processing your thoughts onto your computer, with paper and pen, or by recording your cogitations into your phone. Insights come, both when we talk things through fully, and when we think things through fully on a device, or the analog way.

Thinking things through to ourselves will not bring about the same result for most people. Our minds just get on a hamster wheel, and we do not complete the process. Writing it out gives insights that thinking it out will not.

There is a difference between an emotional vampire, who looks to the pursued partner to handle the endless repetitions, and a level of anxiety which cannot be soothed, and someone who just needs to talk things out. We all have times when we feel like we are drowning, and want to reach out for help. If this is a lifestyle, however, you might consider counseling.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS COIN IS THE PARTNER WHO CAN NEVER JUST LISTEN TO WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. They quickly shut you down, and tell you how to “fix it.”

How many of us have heard some wise older gentleman describe how he finally learned that his wife just needs to “talk things through.” She does not want him to fix it, and will very likely be content with occasional “hmmm’s,” and, “Ah’s,” and “Really’s?” She will not be overly concerned, generally, with how much of what she says he is actually taking in. She just really needs to say it. She will find her own fixes, by thinking it through out loud. Just be kind and listen. You will not believe how grateful someone can be for a listening ear. (I use a cliché example, but this is by no means gender specific.)

You may have a partner who makes sure your problem is compounded many times over by their anger at being told you have a problem. Attempting to talk about this only results in more anger. If this is a constant in your relationship, I recommend counseling. If the angry partner will not engage in counseling, seek counseling for yourself.

Both the partner who will not listen, and the partner who pursues verbal connection to the point of seriously infringing on the other’s time and peace of mind, are damaging to the well being of the relationship. Occasionally, some serious self-reflection, together with love and goodwill, can actually accomplish a peaceful and equitable balance. Your relationship is worth it. Your partner is worth it, and there is no substitute for living well, and at peace.

We cannot be all things to all people, and people in relationships only have so much of themselves to go around. So much is expected of a relationship now. No one can be all of those roles consistently, and the relationship will suffer for it if they believe they can. Find a sounding board. Keep a little mystery, and don’t forget to play.