BIG ISSUES COUPLES FIGHT ABOUT, AND SOME TIPS FOR TACKLING THEM: INTROVERT VS EXTROVERT

I encounter some common themes in Couple’s Counseling. One of them is the Introvert/ Extrovert debacle. Not having this enduring trait in common can cause a lot of tension and unhappiness in relationships. The trait is stable, and attempts to change one’s partner will not be welcome, and unlikely to work for long. So what’s the big deal? Why do people struggle with this so much?

The Introverted partner will need a surprising amount of alone time, especially to regroup after social functions. The Extrovert will be energized by spending time with people, usually the more the merrier.

The Introvert will prefer small groups and intimate conversations with people who want to discuss weightier matters. The Extrovert will find this taxing and dull, while lighthearted banter bores and exhausts the Introvert.

The Introvert will be excited when plans fall through, whereas the Extrovert is busy loading up the calendar.

The Introversion/Extroversion trait is actually not about how outgoing one is. The Introvert may be the life of the party, while the Extrovert may be somewhat quiet, and stay in the background. What determines which one you are is as stated above. Too many social interactions will exhaust the Introvert, and they will need to regroup by spending time alone.

The Extrovert will be energized by being around people, will prefer conversations which are lighter on content, and they will seek out a wide range of social experiences. This will often be at the drop of a hat, throwing a monkey wrench into the equilibrium of the couple. They also need very little alone time, compared to their Introverted partner.

Ambiverts, (those who are aligned more in the middle range) will probably deal with preferences in social interactions in a more amicable way than partners who find themselves at the extreme ends of this continuum.

This trait, if different from one’s own way of being, may have seemed exotic at the beginning of the relationship. People may have seen the new love in their life as someone who would “complete” them.

The Introvert may have anticipated a lifestyle change which would include many happy adventures with their extroverted partner (which they would not have to initiate) and the Extrovert may have initially felt dreamy about cuddling up on the couch and discussing Kant. After a time, however, being with someone whose ways of operating in the world are almost the polar opposite of one’s own, can cause a lot of resentment and disappointment.

The Introvert may take it personally that the extrovert seems to need such a wide cast of characters, in addition to the Introvert, and spends so little time at home. The Extrovert may have believed the Introvert would continue to accompany them to a variety of social functions, and be the “fun couple,” sharing a kaleidoscope of experiences.

In reality, people resort to type, and what seemed to expand one’s horizons at the beginning may instead cramp their style once the newness wears off.

PART TWO: INTROVERT VS EXTROVERT… WHICH ONE IS RIGHT?

For the Extrovert to keep their partner engaged in the social swirl they love, it may be necessary to drag the unwilling Introvert along. It is unlikely either will really enjoy an activity the other is unwilling to engage in.

The Introvert may want the Extrovert to forego the social life which is so engrained in their makeup. This will feel stifling, unfair, and suffocating to the Extrovert.

Because these differences are so pronounced, one or both parties will often believe the other’s way of being in the world is flawed; even truly bad. Both can give in to the temptation of taking a selfish advantage, each determined to get his or her own way, at the expense of the other, and even feel justified in doing so. The couple can also fall into a pattern of spending increasingly less time together in any meaningful way.

Whether an Introvert or an Extrovert, neither trait exists because one’s partner is boring, surly, flighty, shallow, lazy, a killjoy, reckless, or a stick-in-the-mud. It is just a different way of operating in the world, together with a different biological make-up.

While individuals may exhibit any number of moral failings toward a partner, and those failings may find expression in this trait (as well as in other aspects of their lives) the basic trait of Introversion/Extroversion need not fall into either the moral high or the moral low ground. Blue eyes and a short stature are not deemed moral failings.

PART 3: How Can Couples Learn to Navigate These differences?

Clients who can embrace their differences, who genuinely want their partners to experience a full and happy life, and who courageously speak out about their own needs, have an excellent chance of better outcomes than they may be experiencing right now.

Here are some steps you and your partner can take to maximize your experience:

• As a first step, I would suggest talking about these differences at length. (I will give some references at the end of this piece for a deeper dive into the subject.) Prompt each other to go into detail. Ask one another questions about likes and dislikes, and what it feels like to be the kind of person you are. Talk about how you have experienced each other’s differences. Go into detail about how this trait works for you, and what you believe your perfect amount of sociability would look like.

Each person should aim for at least ten minutes to discuss these things as it relates to them, while making sure their partner gets a full 10 minutes as well. Resist the urge to interrupt and add your thoughts while your partner is talking. Make sure you both feel heard equally. You can then address the following questions:

• Do you agree that the two of you are on extreme ends of this continuum?

• Can you accept this difference in each other?

• Do you believe your partner when they tell you they possess a trait you may not want them to have? Do you take their word for it?

• Do both of you acknowledge it is creating problems in the relationship?

• Were you able to have an open and honest (non-judgmental) conversation about your needs, while also listening to your partner express theirs?

• The next step is to navigate through whatever compromises you each need to make to accommodate the needs of the other. Introverts can easily fall into patterns which even they might agree, become too insular. Because the Introvert does not always think about socializing as a need, it can be put on the back burner, almost indefinitely. One’s social life vs private life can get out of whack.

The Extrovert will likely have a smorgasbord of social functions both of you can attend. Be more generous with your time, with yourself, and with your partner, and attend some of them.

When the Introvert overcomes their own inertia, they frequently discover it was helpful and healthy for them to get out and spend more time with other people. To a point.

Built into this there will need to be alone time to regroup. Try to go for balance. It is easy to shut out the world more than is really healthy or fair.

Too many social interactions will still sideline the Introvert. Experiment to find a healthy balance. If the individual is already feeling dragged to function after function, the Extrovert may need to make an adjustment.

Conversely, the Extrovert’s busy schedule, and filling up of all the empty spaces of time, as well as operating out of serendipity, can seriously infringe on the Introvert’s ability to cope.

For an Extrovert to experience well-being, many activities may need to be enjoyed without one’s partner. This requires a good deal of autonomy, both given and granted, and autonomy requires trust. (If a couple has come this far, very likely they already experience a high degree of trust in the relationship.)

The Introvert may experience the most distress over unplanned get-togethers, and people randomly dropping by. The Extrovert may have functions which are very important to them, and having the partner by their side feels non-negotiable.

Talk about what each of you needs the most, together with what each of you is most distressed by, and try to minimize or eliminate those things, while giving more on situations which are less distressing, or have particular significance.

Ideally, the Extrovert’s need for a much more active social life will match well with the Introvert’s need for alone time. Both may be able to get enjoyment by following their natural inclinations, as long as there are healthy compromises which take both styles into account.

The Extrovert can break away from some of their social commitments to spend additional time with their introverted partner. Take your partner’s well-being into account when a sudden inspiration hits, and a new social event crops up.

Introverts, peel yourself away from that desk, or off that chair, and give the gift of your presence to your extroverted partner.

Compromise a lot. Give a lot. If you make it a goal to watch out for one another’s best interests, there will not need to be so much conflict over who got their way last.

• Of course, there are many couples for whom this simple formula will not work without a therapist. My hope is to give some tools and information which can have a positive impact for couples, even without therapy. On the other hand, if therapy is in your future, this may help to expedite the process.

• People with small children have to make so many adjustments to their autonomy and freedoms, it will likely render these points, temporarily, moot.

• There are couples whose discourse has been trending toward the negative for too long to have an extended positive dialogue, leading to healthy compromise.

• There may be much bigger issues than this at play, and having one trait or the other should not be an excuse for shutting the partner out, or escaping from them by extended absences you have not both agreed to.

• If this has been helpful, please watch for future posts on additional issues for both couples and individuals. Coming soon: The Pursued and the Pursuer. In most couples, one partner may feel hounded by the other, while the one pursuing may feel they are never really being heard. I will also gear several future posts for individuals, to Attachment issues, and others.